My life has been hard but I now thank God for the trials in my life as I have learned how much our Father loves all of us.
This journey started 57 years ago. I’m the oldest of 7 children and we all have different fathers. Life was chaotic as a kid; it was filled with domestic abuse and rage. And my mother never showed any affection or love. The man I called, “Dad” finally moved away. I was relieved but there was no way to be prepared for what was coming next.
I grew up Catholic. I was sent to church to get me out of the house. I read the Bible ferociously. I read how God loves us and I wanted that love. At about 9 years of age, I was sent to confession at a church that was about 3 miles from my home. After saying confession, I asked God why did I have to tell a priest my sins and why couldn’t I just tell Him my sins because that was what the Bible said. Boom! The church filled with light and I was on my knees.  God told me that he was real and that I was able to just talk to Him. He then told me to put down the rosary and to not go back there again. I was filled with awe on the walk home. I promptly told my mother that I was never going back. I fully expected a beating but it never came. I then found a small Baptist church and went faithfully. I was baptized after telling the pastor that my mother would not care. I even managed to bring along my brother.
Then came the depression. I was made to clean, cook, and take care of the kids while mother ran around. I tried suicide at about 10 years old. I poured bleach and ammonia together and waited in a small bathroom for death to come. I was going to go somewhere where I was loved. It did not come and I was disappointed.
The beatings continued. She would use a metal bar while I was sleeping. I had to stay home for long periods of time while I healed. I felt that there was no way out. The Bible said that I had to respect her so I did.
My mother continued to run around with men and then hooked up with a teenage friend of mine. Then came my first sister and the 5th child. She furnished me with drugs and alcohol. God had his hand on me as I really did not enjoy either. We did not have food. I found my first job while in the 5th grade – delivering newspaper flyers. In 6th grade, I begged to get a paper route. I walked 10 miles a day carrying the heavy loads before school. Sometimes the papers were so big, I had to make 2 trips. I then found another job doing the same after school. The money was good for a girl. I was able to buy clothes, food and pay some bills.
We moved far away. I was devastated again. She had a new husband and then came two more sisters. I took her to the doctor and demanded that she get her tubes tied. I was tired. My sister was always sick and I had to take care of her. She thought I was her mother. If I did not do something right, I was beat. My mother tried to kill me a few times and constantly told me that she wanted me dead. God kept me alive.
I excelled in school and my goal was to graduate my junior year of high school. My mom lied and told me that I had to stay in school. So I did. I worked 3 jobs to make money for our needs. I met a guy who was 3 years older than me. He begged me to marry him. I did because he promised to take care of my siblings. They all lived with us off and on over the years. So I married at 18 years of age. Right away, he started beating me, using drugs, beating me and seeing prostitutes. But no one knew. I made sure that it looked good to everyone. I started going to church and my husband started going with me. He said that he became a Christian but he did not change his behaviors for many years. We stayed married for 25 years. I had vowed to God that I would not get divorced and had to struggle with this but at the same time, I felt free for the 1st time when we divorced. My two girls were out on their own and doing okay. So I fell and kept on falling while I tried to find the happiness and joy that this world will never give.
I met a man who was even worse than my husband in many ways. Again, I found someone who treated me like my mother.   But I was determined to love him enough to make it work. I believed in that type of love but later learned what love really is in this world. That took about 6 years and at the end, I fell apart. While we were together, we were in a very serious auto wreck and I died but came back. It took me about a year to learn to walk and talk again. This is the 3rd time that death had me in it’s grip. The 1st time, I was 2 years of age and drowned. I was brought back to life. When I was newly married, I ended up in the hospital with severe pain. I stayed there for 3 months and my first baby was just 3 months old. I ended up in the cancer ward and died during the exploratory surgery but again God kept his hand on me.
So after the break up, I constantly cried and could not find out why. I would cry all day long and felt so alone. I cursed God for not taking me home and leaving me here. I hit the walls and yelled. I did not have a church as both my daughter and I had been told to leave the church via a telephone call. We had gone there since she was a little girl. I had no one to turn to. I was desperate and just wanted to die. I had no plans but wanted to die to escape the pain. I found a so-called Christian man who lied to me and had me committed to a psychiatric hospital. I knew that I was not supposed to be there as I had worked there. I did not have a plan. I just needed to talk to someone who would talk to me and understand. Despite the doctor saying that I did not need to be there, the Christian man tried to have me arrested so I had to stay. I was relieved when I found a way out of there.
I prayed to God to send me someone I could talk to but found no one. I was desperate and did not stop crying. I asked God, “why”, all the time. My family thought I had left the best thing that had ever happened to me, and they did not come around. My friends had left because of the man I was with. Fifteen years ago, I searched for help. I found Victory Tips; in another country – a ministry who understood and listened to me while I cried. They prayed for me, talked to me and counselled me. They told me that I could learn to allow God to heal my hurts and with work, I would stop feeling so sad and depressed. They encouraged me to change my thinking. He told he that I did not have to feel anxious or depressed. No one had told me that before and I did not like it. But I continued to seek their counsel. They called me almost everyday for almost a year while I started healing. They encouraged me to get back to church. I did not want to trust anyone in church again. I listened and found a church. I changed my thinking. They were active in my steps to recovery as they had recovery stories. They were able to offer me what I needed to start my recovery. The Victory Tips Program was the basis of finding the Love of God who heals all of the sorrows on this world. I felt like God would not ever love me as I had been such a sinner. I had to step out in faith and seek His love. Our Lord is faithful to His Word.